Heij!!!

Well I am now just over 2 weeks into my Swedish Oddity, sorry Oddessy, and it is pretty damn good.

Observations:

• Everyone, yes everyone, drives either a Saab or a Volvo
• I don’t believe IKEA is not from Sweden as I have yet not seen this famous store and I have been here 16 days 
• You can buy pickeld herring scented purfume*
• Any women here that aren’t blonde probably are students or holiday makers
• Not sure what the ‘collar and cuffs’situation is yet
• It is about 20 degrees colder than the UK and it is still summer (polar bears have recently been spotted downtown*)
• Swedish is an easy language to learn*
• I have foolishly enrolled on a course that does not allow me the ‘typical student lifestyle’ of waking up just in time to watch Neighbours (evening edition), before heading down the chippy for tea before then going to the pub for the night. I actually have to study here, very un-British.
• Beer at pubs is very expensive, though they take credit cards..

* blatant lie

It is pretty cool, the people on my course are all very amiable, fun, intelligent and motivated which helps, the University is well equiped (and not a slum unlike those iin the UK I am used to), it is right beside the sea so I spend much of my time day dreaming about a time when I will have 5 minutes spare to go sailing. It has loads of places to walk, cycle, play tennis, etc. I have joined a ’squash ladder’ I am not sure if this is some kind of Guiness Book of Records attempt to cram as many people of on a ladder – I will have to find out… There is also 5-aside (indoors) where’s the Viking spirit?? – bloody wimps.

Nightclubs are an interesting affair, the locals get ABSOLUTELY paraletic and dance to some of the worst dance stuff that you could ever listen too. Its almost as bas as a Rich and Graham set (sorry guys). Have already befriended the locals so am getting to find out about the seedier side of Sweden (which compared to the UK is pretty squeeky clean).

We are moving into a penthouse flat tomorrow, this is MASSSIVE, and with views of town and the sea it will be one top place. Its unfurnished so we are considering ‘minimalist’ maybe the order of the day – who needs a bed anyway (i am an impoverished student after all).

You will all be very welcome to visit either in the 24 hours city that is Karslkrona, or otherwise maybe meet up in Copenhagen for some partying there. Either way keep me up to date wit hwhat you good folks are doing!

Love

Simon (not Sven)

Jolly Good Day as they used to say in olde England,

So I survived, just returned today to the cosy confines of Brixton and hoping to catch up with as many of my loyal readership, yes both of you, in the 2 weeks before I head off to Sweden – land of the Volvo, pickled herrings and expensive beer. Oh and I heard very attractive females – reports on that area will be on my X rated blog..

I hope that you found my journal at least interesting, sorry there was no money back guarantee that every blog would have you begging for more. I had fun writing it but I hope you folks had fun reading it – it was all true (apart from piece about me training with the Argentinian football squad). BUT what did I learn and what profound(ly uninteresting) statements can I confide to you from my experiences… well.. (not in any order as I can’t be arsed prioritising)…

1) Travel does broaden the mind, but slims the waistline (this isn’t the time or place for descriptions of my bowel movements)

2) If you are seeking ‘adventure’ on your travels it is almost impossible to find now, as there is always a tourist excursion company who will provide it packaged up with a cook a guide and meals thrown in for under $5 per day. If you want ‘adventure’ then throw your guide book away and don’t venture near any ’sites of interest/picturesque towns or places in general’ otherwise you will bump into the squillions of other people who are seeking their adventure though who are in effect on a very well worn (or more probably recently carpeted) ‘Gringo Trail’ (e.g. Macchu Picchu and all treks to it). Adventure tends to come from doing it yourself and from looking to expect the unexpected both good and not so good…

3) If you are the type that is happy to go out and say ‘Hi’ to complete strangers then you will meet a whole load of interesting (and also a few slightly dull) people, some of which will make great friends (hopefully not the slightly dull ones). If you follow point (2) too closely though you will probably meet absolutely no-one and be ‘Billy No-New-Mates’.

4) Don’t try and cram everything into your 4 week/month/year tour. Spend enough time at any one location to appreciate not just the site, but the people and its ‘essence’. This usually comes from lots of walking round the non touristy parts and if you can talk to the locals. They won’t bite, they may just pick your pockets or kidnap you.

5) You will only hear scare stories about pick pockets/kidnappings/con tricks/corrupt officials (especially police)/killings/deaths because drunken bus drivers/etc. These things will unfortunately happen to the very, very few but you will rarely consider the billions of others that have had no problems whatsoever on their travels. Do what you want to do, BUT don’t leave your common sense at home watching the TV whilst you are lost in a slum district of a S. American city. Oh and ignore the Foreign Office website about dangers in countries you visit. According to it, visiting Wales will result in certain death (usually from battered over the head with a daffodil/leak).

6) If you stay at ‘Backpackers Hostels (BH)’ then you will probably never leave it unless:

a) you go to another place for alcoholic consumption (as the hostel’s bar closes at 2am)

b) you get kicked out (almost impossible)

c) purchase an onward ticket to escape the hostel’s clutches (rare)

d) you are hospitalised because of food poisoning after eating their set dinner.

7) If you stay at a BH then you will usually have to share a dorm, with between 3 and 30 other travelers. Remember when considering the BH (over a room in an authentic but possibly unfriendly local and native run hostel) that you will be sharing it with a whole load of travelers, who could often be described as soap dodgers and who often think its a crime to wash their clothes whilst on their hols. Often one or more or all of your co-dormers will sleepwalk, sleep talk, urinate in your room, probably have sex in the bed beside you (no you are not allowed to join in) and will invariably be drunk. All will snore.

8 ) See (7) above – oh and you will not sleep.

9) Find time to relax, unwind and to recollect what you have already done (links a bit to (4)). Traveling especially if you try to cram to much in will make you knackered and if you are tired then you may not appreciate all the fab stuff that you will encounter on your future travels.

10) Traveling alone (ie not with your beloved), could be argued, is better than traveling in a couple.. sorry couples out there (though you can argue the case). Why? well..

a) it is easier to meet people as it is in your self-interest to – both locals and fellow travelers

b) locals often will approach you and invite you to do things with them as there is less of a barrier for them including invites to their homes for dinner, going to the local game, getting invited to the best parties in town, etc ( I have some fab examples of this but cannot fit them in here)

c) you tend to take bigger risks as you don’t have to consider whether your partner’s needs/fears/wants. Risks in my book equals adventure.. usually… though sometimes equals police inquiries…

d) you can change your plans within the time frame that 1 person needs to decide something, unless you are me!

e) you will meet loads of other potential travelers, some of which could make travel buddies, if they don’t like your plans then they can do their own thing

f) You can spend exactly the amount of time doing exactly what you want to do

g) etc, h) etc

BUT

a) you won’t be able top share those special moments with someone special (ahhh)

b) you will pay more for your accommodation

c) you will have someone to go to the restaurant with rather than those ‘dining alone’ moments

d) etc, e) etc, etc

11) This one is the cheesy one. Don’t take the easy option. If you play it right then there are huge challenges that you will face. Do them. Don’t give up when the going gets tough and you will succeed. Challenge your fears and you will feel stronger and more confident to take on your next. You may not feel invincible but you will learn that almost everything is possible.

12) Before you leave to go traveling try to have something positive lined up on your return home. Such as your dream job, doing a great college course, doing something for those less fortunate than yourself etc. There is nothing worse than the fear of having to go back to some working for some crummy boss in some crummy job. The objective here is to be happy and stay happy and not feel too depressed about ‘going home’.

13) If you were ever a smoker and gave up there is a HUGE chance you will start smoking again if you go traveling as:

a) lots of other travelers smoke tabs

b) you are often drunk, so easily led back  into old habits (not the  nun variety)

c) just one won’t hurt, will it?

d) your clothes reek anyway so why not pep them up with some ‘essence of stale fag smoke?’

e) fags are 10th the price as in the UK

f) Mum I have given up smoking since I returned

So those who want to kick the habit forever should stay at home….

14) The journey home is always the longest (unless you have taken a shedload of tamazapan to help with the zzzz’s).

15) I have loads more to put here but I am suffering badly from the traveling condition ‘Jettus Laggus‘. If you want more then you will have to let me know and I will see if I can drag myself from watching recordings of all of the episodes of ‘Flog It‘ that I have missed.

As ever my love knows to bounds to you guys and galls,

Simon (or whatever you want to call me)
PS I have taken a stack of photies. do you wan’t to see them? – if so I will put them on t’blog.

PPS) Thanks, to you my readership, for you possibly wasting valuable parts of your lives reading this drivel

PPPS) A big shout and thanks to all the people I met along the way. I had a fab time and that in part is down to you fine people. Stay in touch as I may ask to sleep on your couches in the future…

Hi Brethren and Sistren,

So I have almost survived my adventure. I am now in La Paz and tomorrow and will return home, it will take a tonne of time, but will be in the heart of the land of foot and mouth Thursday lunchtime.

The last few days in La Paz have been great, catching up with old – well new friends and absorbing the last of the Bolivian culture (oh and the pollution from this stinkin’ and rinkidink city). Obviously went to out to the City’s own Dusk Till Dawn variation of a bar (name withheld) one last time and got home far too late and pooped to do much else, though did get into La Paz´s notorious San Pedro Prison and met this Zimbabwean guy who got busted for some major coke smuggling offence. Not at all a reformed character but he had so much to talk about both life inside this unreal and surreal prison world and also his life as an international drug smuggler. It is a whole story in its own right, which will be for a blog on my return – if yo have read ¨marching powder¨then you will get my ‘drift’.

Anyhow, got to get to the bar one last time. So will see you in London/England/Wales during my 2 week whistlestop tour of the UK before heading off to Sweden and everything that fine place can offer me.

So for the last time Hasta Lluego Bebe´s

Simon XXX

Hi Tribe,

The next  installment in this cereal (geddit . no erh nevermind)… is that I have spent the last 6 days relaxing/relapsing in a real chilled out northern Argentinian town. Salta. This has involved me getting drunk, on a number or occaisions, almost losing it with spanish teachers, horseriding with the gauchos, runnning up mountains, and suffering from what I can only call the spanish flu, but many would call a slight cough , oh yes and eating vast amounts of steak…mmmmm…

Have really enjoyed the chilling after the madness of Bolivia and Peru and have met some really cool people (big shouts to Sofi and Henrik). I even found as hostel with heating – the only one I believe in the southern half of the Earth which is so underdeveloped  (have to include the Antipodes in this giant generalisation).

Had a great time today horseriding. Was given a massive, strong horse that just didnt want to walk or trot – just gallop at ´wastemaking´ speads – it was addrenallintastic and I am still shaking. This was followed by a huge meatfest that the Argentines can only do.

So with my arteries completely furred off I am catching a 24hr bus tomorrow am over the Andes (no they are not the ones at the end of the Wristies) and off up the Pan American Highway to Arikakaka (Arica) in Northern Peru to catch some waves (catch is ´coger´ in Spanish which unfortunatley means to f###k here. I was told this directly by my last and very scary spanish teacher whilst cringing at the memories of the many times I have used it on my travells. I am surprised I am still alive…)

So some surfing before heading to La Paz for one last hurrah and then away to London and the end of Si´ Excellent Adventure.. bogus dudes…

So as they say round here I am off to ´coger´ a taxi, ´coger´ up with some fiends and maybe ´coger´ a cold.. ´coger´ me if you can ..nuff for now.

Love

Simondo (also suffering from Guacho Arse) X

Hi Readership!

Currently in Argentina (I am trying not to mention the war) in a town (Salta) that is supposed to be tropical, but that seems to be a blatant lie, as it is only a few degrees above freezing… thanks to our old friend ´weird global weather phenomena´.

The trip here by buses took 24 hours, which means my piles are now the size of tractor tires, but fortunately this now means I only have one other long 24hr bus journey to go before my 20 hour planes journey home (sorry planet!).

So as I promised in the last gripping installment – ´The Mines of Potosi´.

Firstly everyone reading this needs to thank their lucky stars that they were born where and who they are. Visiting the mines was an experience I hope I will never have to do again and is something these poor Bolivians do 14 hours a day, 6 days a week until they died at approx 40 from roof collapse, lung disease, madness or split ends.

Anyhow as with much of the world of travel and tourism you can experience´the life of the miner` though a tour company rather than sheepishly knocking on the entrance of the mine and asking a half dead miner to go down his shaft.

The company I did it with was called Koala Tours (no I couldn’t understand the significance of the name either) they dragged me from my hostel at 8 am (having that morning suffered a severe bout of the Bolivian Bangra/Indian 2 Step/shits which was a bit of a preoccupation as I visited the bog 4 times before getting on the bus and had visions of some poor tourist crawling and suffering in a tunnel behind me whilst the forces of nature (cryptosporidium or such-like) forced another unconscious bowel movement directly in their face.

Soon with the story of social, economic and environmental significance…

We were taken to some random lock up to be fitted out as miners (not minors (we weren´t allowed to wear spiderman outfits or nappies)) with overalls, miners hat, lamp, boots etc. Then taken to the miners market (no they didn’t sell miners) they sold equipment form miners, this included stuff you would expect, picks and shovels and also dynamite which we were allowed to buy also#. They also sold 97% proof alcohol which the miners also drank , it tasted prerrty good too..

Then off to see how the ores are crushed and see what nasty chemicals are used then are flushed into the rivers (environmneal success story comming up, the local farmers managed to close down (via direct action comrades) all the processing plants and until improved environmental protection systems are installed then no more ore can be processed).

Then off to the mine. The mine we visited has been in operation for the past 300 years. The main tunnel was high enough for a Bolivian to stand (5 ft) in but not me, so 30minutes of banging my head and swearing got us to the first crawl up to level -1 then a further crawl down 4 levels (about 100m in height). Imagine crawling through a 3 foot high toughly hewn tunnel with pipes hanging from it hissing (not snakes this time), over boulders with someone in-front and behind and breathing in really thick clouds of dust which meant you coughed every 2-3 breaths. The heat was stifeling and the sense of panic was unbearable as we were at 4300m in altitude it meant that it was almost impossible to breathe and often you felt like giving up life entirely. Added to this everywhere covering the rock was this pure white powder..no its not a stimulant, but pure arsenic which made up much of the dust which we breathed in(plus oxides of lead and other nasties). We were down there for 3 hours seeing how these miners worked made me feel like I had a pretty easy life. It was probably the grimmest place I had been.

To brighten things up when we finally emerged from the mine we were allowed to make our own bombs and let them off, one of which nearly knocked out a passing bus!

Thats the story, morning glory,

I am chillin’ (literally) here (not down the mine, in Salta), will go horse riding again, get and hope to get a few more Spanish lessons.. yes it is a bit late.

Si X

# I heard at the time that a bunch of English tourists 2 weeks ago bought a load of dynamite and detonators to take to blow up a Llama (by putting a t- shirt on the llama and stuffing the garment with dynamite and standing well back, praying that it wouldn´t subsequently become over-friendly with the English lads. Anyhow, during the preparations (after having had a couple of beers) something went wrong and they blew up their hostel. They all survived and only received 2 days imprisonment!! Thats south American justice for you!

PS managed to off load some fake cash I was given – in the National Museum of Money in Potosi – result for me – ironic for them..

Hola, Chico´s, Chica´s and all those in between,

I am now in Potosi (a Silver, Zinc, Antimony (whats that?) and land mining town) – a Hispanic version of Merthyr Tydfill – but without the girls showing indecent amounts of flesh and copping off with anything with a pulse). I am here for a day to go down the mines to visit the miners and experience how unlucky I have been working most of my life in an office.. anyhow that story is for the next edition.

I spent the last 4 days in Uyni which involved a nightmare 12 hour night bus journey from hell to get there from La Paz. It was like sitting in an industrial vibrator freezer (minus a billion degrees, almost) so the chance of sleep are virtually zero. This was good as otherwise the driver probably would have dozed off and killed us all.

So when we arrived at the town (hi Vanessa), we were lucky enough to get the last 2 places of this excursion company – top of the range Landcruiser etc etc and with 4 others plus driver and cook aboard for 3 days of hard sightseeing- woof.

Day 1 involved visit to the salt plain, 20000sq km of completely flat salt (great for taking off the wall photos and having on your fish&chips) , then off to a island with loads of cactus’s, then off to our accommodation which was pretty much sleeping in a lockup garage having been given inadequate warm bedding to survive the sub-zeró conditions.

Day 2 – lots of lakes, green, red, white, zebra print in colour, with shedloads of flamingos ((which seem to love hanging out in environments that smell rather like botty burps after a curry and 18 pints of Cobra) (there being loads of sulphur and other stuff in the lakes)). Another night in subzero conditions with food that gave me and a few others of our tour the squits.

Day 3, 5 am start, nice, to get to the Geysers (no not the East London/Éssex boy type), then off to a thermal bath which takes some balls to undress to get in when the sun isn´t up and and hypothermia is sneeking up behind you. Then to the Laguna Verde (green lake) which was pretty damn impressive the colours are pretty vivid but behind and reflecting in its waters is the most perfectly shaped volcano which I have to climb, it is only 5988m I ( already have 1 unwilling volunteer – any more??). Then off to more rock formations and the train cemetery (Matt you will lose your self-control there) then hightailing it back to Uyni before dusk for 4 of our troupe to catch their buses back to La Paz.

It was pretty amazing, imagine driving round the surface of Mars at 120 plus Kmph on really rough dirt tracks/sand/salt which was often obscured with clouds of dust the you will kind of get what it like. Us tourists were often potting ourselves especially as the driver often enjoyed driving single or no handed whilst talking and looking at his wife (the cook) whilst chewing on tonnes of coca. No seat belts, no hospitals within 300 km and also a driver that had the squits too. At one point we had a blow out which kinda worried us slightly, to say the least.

Thats it in a nutshell, some great photies and memories. Though it has wiped me out as I am cream-crackered- so off to bed and then tomorrow evening I am getting on a night bus to the Argentinian border then off to Salta for a few days of rest and me football training with the Argentinian squad. Better start learning my tango moves too.

So as they say round here hasta lluego and hand me over your wallet and ipod or I will shoot you (not really)

Love kisses and whatever else you care to imagine,

Si X

Ho, Ho Hola!

Thinking i was going to have a quiet time in La Paz, resting and taking in the local culture was completely blown out of the window by the introduction to partying at high altitude.

The hostel (Loki´s) is a backpackers one owned by a bunch of Irish fellas who know how to have a good time and also with most of the guests also being complete hedonists it meant i was easily persuaded into having as the youngsters on the street say ´a big night – (or 4)´. This has meant v little sleep, 2 liver transplants, a chemical lobotomy and the inability to do much apart from sit around consoling my sorry state by drinking more.

Also there is the notorious (name withheld (but some will know where I am talking about)) which had to be visited, the stories behind that all night saga will be left for my heavily edited autobiography. Anyone who has been there will know what I mean..

Anyhow am doing some traveling with this good fun Kiwi girl she´s great company in an pretty bonkers in a nice all night party animal kinda way.. Luckily there are no all night clubs in the salt plains where we are heading next so I at least am hoping for at least a bit of sleep although the temp there a few day ago was minus 25 and the places we stay at have no heating.

So keep up the brollies and keep wearing the wellies, hope it dries out for my return (16th Aug!)

Hi Internutters,

Hoping that life finds you well.

I am in La Paz for a few days just hanging out, mostly drinking too  much, eating too much and getting hangovers that George Best and Ollie Read would be proud of.

Kind of odd place, the worlds highest cpaital 3500-4000+meters above sea navel, full of busses that use tyres for fuel, pretty run down and flippin freezing at nights.

I am waiting to link up with a travelling buddie before heading down to the Salt Flats for a 3 day expedition to find the best salt to put on my fish and chips. Will be doing many taste tests along the way.

Sorry for the rather dissapointing blog.  Though big internet news is that I am now on Facebook, though I am still dumbfounded as how it works and how to use it I am there so feel free to visit!

Keep your peckers up and see you soon,

Love and kisses,

Si X

Hello all you fine people out there,

I am back, minus a couple of digits from the Pampas trip. This entailed a 3 hour 4X4 trip down to this river somewhere east/south/north/west? of here then a 3 hour boat ride in a dug out to our camp.

The river was crammed full of wildlife -Capibara, which I believe are some freek ourtcome of some genetic experimentation on rats (they are almost the size of cows (slight exageration)), plus thousands of birds of different types, colours, many of which looked like they had been put together by a mad scientist ie wrong colours, beaks of odd proportions, upside down bodies etc. Lots of turtles heads and thousands of gators and caymens. These were massive and pretty dams scary looking. Also there were plenty of river dolphins which are pink and pretty shy and we were allowed to swim in the areas of rivers where they hang out. These were also areas where the massive gators and caymen also hang out plus the pirahna and other scary fish that were down there in the murky depths.

Asking th guide whey he didn´t want to go swimming with us he replied “he didn´t want to get eaten by these big toothed man-eaters” reassuring i must say..

Anyhow we spent 3 days chugging up and down this river which was great, damn relaxing. The only thing we had to exert ourselves with were eating massive meals and anaconda hunting (well searching for). This was interesting as we were given no instructions as to what to do in a) identifying the anaconda´s, b) knowing where they lived c) what other dangers we were facing.

So we taken in the boat to this creak then told to spread out (there were 8 of us), then heads down, treading gingerly we begun our search. Nothing found in the first hour so we were told to wade through this first lagoon (up to “Steve and the Twins level” in filthy stinking bog water. Nothing then found in next 30 mins, so fording another deeper lagoon (constantly thinking of being pulled under by a giant anaconda or other maneating reptile). then off into this massive swanp where we were wading again `plums and navel ´deep in thick bog weed searching for something that could easily swallow you whole without even burping.

As snakes seemed thin on the ground/bog I decided to go off on my own hunt. Low and behold I saw one, so gingerly I waded up to it as it was basking under this tree. It was over 2.5 m and its body had a diameter of 6 inches plus. As I got ready to pounce and grab it it shot off into some undergrowth and I gave up the chase. On my way back I saw our guide who had caught one of the elusive anacondas and I told him about my encounter. He went pale and told me that I nearly caught not an anaconder (which only rarely eat people alive) but a cobra (cos of the hooped scale pattern) which always attack often with lethal outcomes (the are venomous). Also this was one of the biggest he had heard of.

So the retun back through the swamps to the boat I had my heart in my mouth in case my slithery friend came back looking for some lunch.

Anyhow back safe and well, and got over my nervous exhaustion and fear by getting hammered last night on a tonne of extremely cheap and dangerous cocktails. Now off to some pools  in the hills to swim (ensuring no dangerous animals are in there first of course) then off tomorrow am for an extremely uncomfortable 20 hour bus journey through the forests and mountains to La Paz where anything could happen!

My very best wishes to you one and all, including the folks that were on expedition

Love,

Si. X

Fiends, Romanians and Countryhens,

I am now in a sweatbox called Runrrenabaque, it pretty much trains constantly is over 1000% humidity and is surrounded by forest – i reckon I may be in the rainforest, though can´t be certain.

Anyhow tomorrow off to the Pampas (no not a nappy factory) a ecosystem where it is a bit easier to see the wildlife than going to the jungle. So hope to see caymans, anacondas, dolphins, capibara, monkeys etc and hope to be able to sample their taste too as it is a hunting expedition (joking).

Also am going swiming with the piranha´s, so have got some steel swimming trunks being fabricated at this very moment.

Will be away 3 days then off to La Paz staying in a swanky hotel for a change then off further south…

Having fun here hope you are there.

Love

Si X